10 Great Date Night Conversation Starters

In my popular post 10 Rules For Dating Your Husband, I suggest that your date night conversations should not be about your kids, home, finances, or basically any other "married people business." If you want to delve into all of those things, check out how we did our family goal-setting meeting by clicking here.

Don't know what to talk about? Yeah, it can be rough sometimes. If you Google "Conversation Starters for Dating" you will find lots of lists that are intended for non-married people. You probably already know your husband's favorite color or movie so those get-to-know-you questions won't be very useful to you. So here are a few good conversation starters for married folks to get the ball rolling. You can bring the list with you if you forget, or just try to remember a few, in case the conversation drops off.

1. What is your dream vacation?
2. What is your ideal retirement location?
3. Tell me about your favorite childhood memory.
4. What is the best meal you have ever had?
5. What is your opinion about [insert current event]?
6. Tell me an embarrassing or funny story that I've never heard.
7. What are some fun activities we should do on future dates?
8. What are you most looking forward to this year?
9. If you could stop working today, what would you do?
10. What is at the top of your "Bucket List"?

I have found that our very best date night conversations involved talking about happy memories or "planning" a hypothetical future (dream vacations, retirement, etc). Some of our worst date night conversations have been when we focused on the negative (Tell me about what is bugging you at work?) or tried to get too serious (How can we increase our savings? How are we ever going to pay for college?)

Keep it light, keep it fun, and enjoy dating your husband!!

Want to learn how to have fun as friends and how to have the fruitful marriage that God intended for you? I strongly recommend the book Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll. We read through this with our church small group and it is, to date, the best marriage study that we have done. We often find ourselves saying things like "Remember _____ from Real Marriage?" or "I'm so glad we learned ________ from Real Marriage!" We have seen the impact that it has made on our friends as well.
The first half of the book is about the friendship between you and your spouse and the second half is about sex (and they definitely do not dance around the real issues of sex in marriage!) To top it off, one of the appendices has an awesome list of questions to ask your spouse to help get to know them on a deeper level!

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Calendars! Budgets! Plans! Oh My!

It is no secret that the MommyJustine family is a busy group of folks. Aside from the typical, day-to-day bustle of a family of four, we have church activities, tee ball, and volunteer obligations nearly every day of the week. We also try to be purposeful about fitting in quality time as a family, time to connect as a couple, and one-on-one time with our kids. Several weeks ago, all of that collided into a mess of cranky kids, stressed parents, and a general lack of productivity and happiness. At the same time, I read a Girlfriends In God daily devotional that stated "Don't mistake busyness for productivity." That hit me hard. I realized that I had been running and rushing day in and day out and wasn't accomplishing nearly any of my goals. Worse than that, I wasn't even sure what my family's goals were anymore. It was time for a "family meeting." Since my kids are little, the family at the meeting consisted of myself and the Fella. It was such a refreshing, rejuvenating time! It was exactly the jump start that our family needed to get back on track!

Ideally, we would like to have a big meeting like this once every three months. We plan to stay on track by having a short weekly recap each Sunday night to talk through the previous week's accomplishments and set backs and to get on the same page for the upcoming week. I would love to share with you the way we accomplished such a beneficial meeting, and I hope that someone else will find it as useful as we did!

Set aside an evening when you will have at least a few hours to devote solely for the meeting. Plan it in advance so that both you and your spouse are in the right mind set for such an extensive conversation. Have your meeting in a clean, comfortable space (we spread everything out on our bed). Get a babysitter if you need to, although we just put our kids to bed early that night. Pray about your time together ahead of time and then again as you begin. I think that an important part of this prayer is to ask the Lord to make you of one mind in your decision making and to guide your communication so that it is effective and loving.

What you need:

• a calendar
• a notebook
• your budget or a basic expense list
• a computer

STEP 1: Goal Setting/Talk Time
This is the part where you will need a notebook. Write each area of your families life at the top of it's own sheet of paper, followed by your goals. Example:

Our Marriage

Short Term Goal

Long Term Goal

What we can do right now to accomplish those goals.

Changes to be made/Method of making changes.

Although your categories may be different, we established goals in the following categories:

• Our Marriage
• Our Parenting
• Our Finances
• Our Ministry
• Our Schedule

This part of the conversation took up the bulk of our evening. There were many areas where each of us needed to share present concerns that had not previously been voiced. We needed to share our individual visions for our family and then discern how to make those individual desires a unified purpose. This was the time that we needed grace the most, and I will admit that at times it became emotional as we wrestled with difficult choices and each of us compromised.

STEP 2: Plan of action
This will take up somewhat less of your time than your goal setting did. This is where you pull out your calendar and make changes or additions to what is already there based on your new goals. Add in family time or dates as needed to meet the goals in your parenting and marriage categories. Get on the same page with one another's schedule. The Fella added all of my calendar items to his phone, and I did the same. You will want to draw up a basic plan for a new budget if you have altered your family's financial goals. We also used this time to schedule and book our summer vacations online and talk about a basic budget for new baby items, back to school shopping and even Christmas.

STEP 3: Weekly Planning (to be repeated each Sunday night)
We looked at our monthly family calendar and added any appointments, practices and meetings to a separate weekly calendar. We then added any "to-do's" attempting to space them out throughout the week so that we don't have to rush to do everything on Saturday and can devote more of our weekends to family time. Based on what the week looked like, we then agreed on meals for each day. Our hope is that by planning our meals around what we have going on, we will be less likely to make a quick decision to run through a drive-thru on a busy evening. For example, on Thursdays, I have some volunteer work in the afternoons and the Fella has Student Ministry in the evenings. By planning a simple meal like grilled cheese, we ensure that I will have time to prepare it and he will have time to eat it.

I know that this type of planning meeting will look different for every couple and every family. I am only sharing it because it was such a blessing for us and created such an atmosphere of peace within our home. Knowing what your are doing, when you are doing it, and why you are doing it is so freeing!



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10 Rules for Dating Your Husband

If you have ever been to any sort of marriage conference or seminar or if you have read almost any marriage book, you know that you should be "dating" your husband. But what does that look like exactly? If you are like most married women, especially if you have kids, you probably do not clearly know how to date your husband. I'm just figuring it out for myself. I have decided that a "date" cannot simply mean that we did something without our kids. If we went together to a doctor's appointment and then grabbed some lunch on the way home, that is not a date. It could be a date, if you followed some simple guidelines. So here are my "10 Rules for Dating Your Husband"

1. Let him plan the date. This does not mean that you give him absolutely no input, but if you were in a real dating relationship, you probably wouldn't call the fella up and say "Saturday night we are going to see Twilight and then eat at Outback." Of course not. You would let the guy ask you, and then he would plan where to take you and what to do. Since you are a married couple, you will obviously have to help pick the day and plan for childcare, but leave the other logistics up to him. Don't make it a chore or put pressure on him. That is a recipe for a disastrous date night. Just convey that you are excited to go out with him and would love for him to plan the night. And make sure that he knows that you are going to be happy with whatever he plans. If you have made a habit of criticizing his plans, don't be surprised if he is reluctant to plan your date night. He is probably just afraid of rejection.
2. Dress yourself for a date. I don't care if you are going to CiCi's Pizza, fix yourself up. Take a shower, put on a cute outfit, perfume, make up, and style your hair. Again, when you were in the early stages of a dating relationship, you did all of those things even if just to watch tv on the couch with your guy!
3. Be a good sport. If your guy plans a bowling night or takes you to an action movie, get into it. You would if you were newly dating, right?
4. Don't talk about "married stuff" the whole night. This includes: your to-do list, your kids, your house, your finances, your schedule. This may be a great time to talk about some of that, but don't talk about it the whole night. My fella and I always have a really good time talking about our hopes for the future. Of course, sometimes those hopes do involve our kids or schedule. But our best conversations are about things like how we hope to be more fruitful as a couple and family or where our dream vacation spots are.
5. Make him feel special. Especially if the majority of your time and attention is spent on small children, I encourage you to make your date a time that your husband can feel special. He is the center of your world during your date. Talking only about your kids, or gossiping about your friends, or checking your phone repeatedly will not serve to make him feel special. Ask questions about him that get him talking!
6. Pray. On your own before your date and together during your date, ask God to bless your time together and to use it to benefit your marriage and family. We usually do this as we bless our meal.
7. Don't take it too seriously! If your guy isn't the "romantic type" or you can't afford to go to a fancy restaurant, still take the time to have a date (see my post 10 Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Husband (On the Cheap!)). If it doesn't go perfectly, that is okay!
8. Step out of your comfort zone. My favorite dates are dinner or a movie, but sometimes you need to shake it up and do something different. Going to a sporting event, heading to a park for a picnic, or checking out a museum or historical site are all great ideas but there dozens more!
9. Be affectionate. You are on a date! Hold hands, kiss, wrap your arms around each other during the movie. Be that couple that an observer would never assume is married with kids!
10. Make dating your husband a regular occurrence. This probably will take some planning and commitment. Sit down with your calendar and plan at least 2 dates per month. They may not both be dinners out on a Saturday night, but maybe you can meet for lunch one afternoon while the kids are at school or turn the previously mentioned "doctor's appointment" scenario into a purposeful, meaningful date. Maybe you can plan to put the kids to bed early one evening and have a special dinner and movie night right in your own home. The point is to put it on the calendar and stick to it. Get with another couple and plan to trade off babysitting on alternate weeks so that you can both have date nights without so much expense! On birthdays and Christmas, ask for gift cards to movies and restaurants so that your family can effectively "sponsor" your dates.

 

I have heard it said that the best gift you can give your children is a strong marriage, and I could not agree more! Investing in time alone with your husband is an investment in your whole family! 



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7 Day Media Fast: Day 1

Last week, my fella had the idea and conviction that we should fast from all of the media we are so dependent upon for seven days. I have to admit that at first I was resistant to the idea. I mean, I use Facebook to do the majority of my ministry-related communication, as well as to keep up with many family members that I do not have contact with otherwise. And Man-Cub gets a lot from all of the educational programming that he watches. But, while those are the most noble of our media uses, they are not the only ones. In truth, I waste a great deal of time watching television, lurking around Facebook and obsessing over Pinterest. Faced with the prospect of getting more done around the house and reconnecting with my family, I was all in. It is time to hit "reset" and get back to my most heartfelt priorities.

Just so we are all on the same page, this is what we are fasting from:

• Facebook
• Twitter
• Pinterest
• All television (including movies and the DVD system in our van)
• All games (computer, tablet, cell phone, Wii, Leapster and LeapPad)
• All blogs (except my own, so I could update this series)

We have not cut out all internet (obviously) and we are checking our email accounts twice daily for work and/or church related communications. All person-to-person communication with friends and family is limited to phone or text. We explained this whole thing ahead of time to Man-Cub, who will be fasting with us. We explained what a fast is and why we think this is important, and he was very receptive.

Day One (Monday) was amazing. Although the morning was oddly quiet without Robin Meade's Morning Express accompanying our coffee, we enjoyed the time to talk and plan our day's activities. We had quite a lot to accomplish, given that it was the fella's last day off before two important home inspections for our adoption. This is what we did on day one of our media fast:

• Fixed a broken window
• Cleaned out and organized our garage
• Went out for a family lunch date
• Took a van-load of items to Goodwill
• Cleaned our backyard
• Mowed the backyard
• Installed child-proof latches on all cabinets in the house
• Installed wall-mounted fire extinguisher
• Bathed and flea-treated dogs
• Thoroughly vacuumed all carpets and furniture
• Washed all bedding
• Made homemade chicken and dumplings
• Had a dance party with our kids while dinner cooked
• Enjoyed a peaceful family dinner
• Fella and Man-Cub had first father-son devotional time
• Bathed children
• Had Bible time and story time and tucked in children
• Had couple's devotional time leading to long, meaningful conversation
• Read some good books side-by-side
• Went peacefully to sleep

Our greatest observations of the day were about how much we were able to accomplish without so many distractions. We took several breaks during the hard work, and had we clicked on the tv or grabbed the tablet or laptop to check Facebook, those breaks would have been much longer. Not only did we get an incredible amount of needed work done, we had leftover time to spend with our kids and one another. And without the distractions of tv and video games, they wanted to spend it with us too! For the first time in a long time I went to bed feeling like everything I needed to do was done, like everyone in my home had received a fair amount of my attention and to tell you the truth, I wasn't even as exhausted as it sounds like I would be. Instead, I was energized from all of the uninterrupted time with my fella and children, something that is hard to come by when you spend your "family time" watching a show together. It's just not the same. Oh, and in case you are wondering, Man-Cub never once asked to watch tv or play a game.

Day One=Complete Success





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Inspiring Great Character Part V: What matters most to you?

In the Top Ten post in this Character series, I frequently mentioned teaching character by displaying good character. Have you ever thought about how your children see you? I can't say that I really had, until a friend told me of a little exercise she tried out with her kids. She asked them to tell her what she thinks is most important to her. Some of their responses inspired her to make some changes.

Later that week, I decided to try that out for myself. The conversation went like this:

Mommy: "Man-Cub, what do you think matters the most to me?"

Man-Cub: "Ummmm...good behavior?"

Mommy: "Okay, but not just about how you act, out of all the people and things in Mommy's life, what things do you think are the very most important?"

Man-Cub: (thinks carefully) "Loving God, and decorating when it's my birthday or Halloween or Christmas."

Now, while I was super happy that my child sees my quest to know the Lord, and amazed that he even notices the time and attention I put into decorating for special occasions, there were a few things missing from his assessment of me. First of all, he didn't say that he is important to me, or that his sister is. He pointed out that his behavior is important to me, but not that he himself is. He also didn't say that his father is important to me. I decided to ask him about Daddy.

Mommy: "Okay, that's great, thanks for answering! What do you think matters most in Daddy's life?"

Man-Cub: "Loving God, loving you, and making sure that I do the right thing."
(I would like to note that I think he said "loving God" again because of my hugely excited reaction the first time he said it)

Mommy: "What makes you think that loving me is important to Daddy?"

Man-Cub: "Because he always kisses you in the kitchen."
(heart melts!)

Again, there was good and bad to his response. I am so glad that he knows that faith is so important to his parents. I am overjoyed that he sees his Dad being affectionate and knows that his parents are in love. Yet, when it came to himself, he once again focused on the fact that his behavior is important to his dad. 

I am really thankful that I asked my little boy this revealing question. It opened my eyes to many things. For starters, I am resolved to make sure that he knows that he is important to me just because he is my son. That I love him unconditionally, and that nothing will ever make him less important to me. I want both of my kids to know that they have great value and worth, not just because of their actions, but in spite of their actions too! I want my kids to see me being loving, respectful, and affectionate towards their dad so that they know that he is as important to me as I am to him. And I want to continue to show them that we both love God above all, and that our ultimate goal in life is to know Him and make Him known to others. Finally, I want to be sure that I don't focus so much on decorating and preparing for special events, that I don't enjoy them as well.

I intend to ask my kids this question about once a year, and I encourage you to do so too. Make sure that your kids see that which is most important to you being a priority in your life!

10 Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Husband (On the Cheap)

In keeping with my "10 Ways" posts that have been so popular, here are some of my favorite, inexpensive, quality time ideas. Please also check out my posts 10 Ways to Serve Your Spouse and 10 Ways to Encourage Your Husband With Words.

In my life, with two young children as well as my mother and my best friend all under one roof, finding quality time with my guy can be pretty challenging. Often, by the time we have a few minutes alone, we just want to veg out in front of the tv or sleep. It's sad, but true. Yet, quality time is so important to the health of my marriage. Without connecting in a quality way, my husband and I risk becoming distant from one another. We could easily get so caught up in the necessary tasks of our everyday life that we become more like roommates or business partners than a married couple.

When you add financial limitations to a full schedule, quality time can seem impossible. So, here are my ten favorite ideas for spending quality time with your spouse on a budget. Many are free, and the others are pretty inexpensive.These aren't all necessarily "dates" but could definitely work as a date-night activity.

1. Go to a drive-in type restaurant, get a milkshake, sit in the car, and talk.
2. Take a walk through your neighborhood without the kids.
3. Go sightseeing in your own town. Research historic sites that are free or cheap to visit.
4. Take a picnic to a local park.
5. Play board games, cards, or dominoes together after the kids are asleep.
6. Go to a restaurant, order an appetizer, and talk.
7. Look through your old photo albums or watch home movies together.
8. Bring him lunch at work (home made or take-out) and then eat it with him at his office.
9. Work on a project together, like yard work or washing your cars.
10. Go ice skating! (our area has an indoor rink that is open year-round and is really inexpensive)

Any other ideas? What do you do to sneak in some extra quality time with your honey?

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10 Ways to Encourage Your Husband With Words

Therefore, encourage each other and strengthen one another as you are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Last week I wrote a post about serving your spouse. You can read that post here. To date, it is my most read, most shared, and most talked about post. In fact, it has been viewed more than all my other posts combined. This week I am hoping to expand on that idea and give you ten ways to encourage your husband with your words. Men don't tend to be as wordy as women, and yet a man shines when he is praised verbally. I have heard it said that you multiply your praise by the number of people that hear you praising. So, if it is natural and genuine, saying these things to your husband in the presence of others will amplify the effect they have on him. I also sometimes write a short affirmation on a sticky note and stick it on the bottom of his lunch box. He doesn't have to pick it up and unfold it (and face ridicule and jokes from his co-workers), he can simply read it as he is taking out his lunch items.

A word of caution: As a woman, I can tend to do these things with the expectation that they will be reciprocated. I can easily fall into the trap of thinking I have been encouraging him and building him up all week, but he hasn't said a nice thing to me! That is not the goal here. Don't plant that seed of resentment in your heart! It will taint everything that you do for or say to your husband! And don't say things that you do not genuinely mean. If you read one of these affirmations and think That is so not my husband! Don't fake it. He will know that you are insincere. Rather, think of ways that you can genuinely affirm him, and pray about your perception of him in the areas where you think he is failing.

10 Ways to Encourage Your Husband With Words

1. Thank you for going to work every day and providing so well for us.
2. You are so good with the kids!
3. You make me laugh!
4. You really have a talent for ________.
5. You look good in that.
6. You smell good.
7. You are so thoughtful.
8. Thanks for keeping a level head when I am freaking out. You really keep me grounded.
9. You are really smart. (variations: good with our finances, have a great memory, know so much about _____.)
10. I respect you.

I would love for you to share an affirmation that really makes your husband shine! 

10 Ways to Serve Your Spouse

And he sat down and called the twelve. And he said to them, “If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.”

Mark 9:35

Let me begin this by saying that having a servant's heart is not my strongest area. Not at all. But, like anyone, I can grow and change, and I have such a strong desire to become more of a servant in every area of my life. So today I sat down and tried to think of ten ways to serve my man. Some are things that I already do, and many are things that I would like to do more often. The trick here is to not say "Hey, hey! I am serving you here! How awesome am I?" 

1. Brew the coffee, then fix him a cup just the way he likes it.
2. Wake up with him in the morning and read to him from Proverbs while he shaves/dresses.
3. Fold his clothes and then actually put them away.
4. Cook for him, and then plate his food nicely.
5. Buy him new personal care items before his are empty.
6. Find a reason to borrow his car, then wash it and fill up the tank.
7. Iron something you know he probably wouldn't have, like his jeans or work shirt.
8. Hand him the remote and then don't complain about the programming he chooses.
9. Make special snacks during his sports game and bring them to him so he doesn't miss anything.
10. Here is a big one....and I will shamelessly toot my own horn here: mow the grass. Yes, I said it, mow the grass. Do it while he is at work and don't act too wiped out when he gets home. Trust me ladies, they love this. Absolutely love it. I'm not saying that you should take on all yard work until the end of time in the interest of serving your husband. I'm just saying that if you want to see a man surprised, impressed, and appreciative, then crank up that mower and get to work.

What have you done to serve your spouse? How did he react?

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